Comfort Food

On this dark and damp morning, I am thinking about comfort food. Yesterday's lunch was a reminder of the old days. Drinking the hot soy bean milk brought back memories of the family grinding the beans on an old stone grinder. Later on, we used an electric blender. It also reminded me of breakfasts in Taipei at the famous shop near my grandfather's house.

Meatloaf and mashed potatoes make me feel all warm inside. Chicken pot pie. Curry chicken and rice. Steamed pork soup dumplings. Pancakes.

Is it possible to have something cold as comfort food? Maybe. I think some people eat ice cream but I don't. I really don't think I have ever considered something cold as comforting.

So what do you consider "comfort food"?

Next Door Neighbors

Growing up in a big city, it's hard to know who your neighbors are. When we were in an apartment building in Manhattan, we knew our next door neighbors and recognized the people on our floor. Then when we moved to Queens, we knew the next door neighbors and made friends with the family across the street who had children our age. After getting married and moving, we only knew our next door neighbors because we were busy with law school and work.

At last, we bought our own home. Now, we only knew the old couple from next door because we were so busy working. I befriended the other neighbor when I got locked out of the house one morning after dropping off B at the babysitter's house. These neighbors let me borrow their phone to call a locksmith to break the lock. That was before I had a cell phone. Eventually, the old couple passed away. The other neighbors were renters so they kept changing.

After I retired, I got to know more people on our block. Whenever a new family moved in around us, I would introduce myself and welcome them. It seemed like the right thing to do. So far there's only been one house a few doors down who chose to be unfriendly.

Well....this morning, I was rudely awakened by people wanting me to move my vehicle so that a big-ass moving van could park. They were moving stuff for my new neighbors -- right next door! I can't believe the next door neighbors would move without telling me?! The wife was out with us cleaning up after the tornado hit a few weeks ago. I had left them a note (with my phone number) last week before the garage roof work started, asking for permission to use their backyard. I did notice that their dog wasn't around, so I thought they were on vacation. Apparently, my son saw them moving stuff out this weekend while I was away. After all these years, they couldn't tell me they were leaving? I am a little hurt. We weren't friends, but it would've been nice for them to say something.

Meanwhile, the neighbors who rented on the other side moved out about a month ago. Now we'll have to wait and see who the new tenants are. After all these years, I think I only got to really know two families who have lived there.

We live in a busy city where people are always in and out of their homes. We see each other only for brief moments in passing. The families with children are easier to befriend. One neighbor who lives behind us is definitely in the "friends" category. Our children get along so well and they can play together whenever we're both home. That was how it was with my friend Sharon who lived across the street. That's how I imagined it would be when we moved here but there weren't enough families with children.

I hope the two new sets of next door neighbors are nice. It would be a bonus if they had children who got along with my children.

Tornado

Yesterday evening, a tornado went through my neighborhood. I did not know there was a tornado warning issued at the time. I heard the thunder and the house got dark really fast. When I looked out the dining room window, rain was going horizontally in heavy sheets. It was so unbelievable, I called my son to come see. Had I known there was a tornado warning telling people to seek shelter below ground and away from windows, I wouldn't have done that. When we turned around, we saw tree branches flying across our living room windows. At this point I was SCARED but ran to get my camera to document it!

Then it ended in a matter of minutes. I think the whole storm lasted 5 minutes at most, or what seemed like 5 minutes.

When I wanted to call my other children to check on them, I realized they were probably still in their college classes. Our phone lines were dead. When I got my cell phone, my daughter had already left me a message saying she was waiting out the storm and her friend's parents were coming to pick them up. I felt a sense of relief knowing that. Had I known at the time that their campus was the worse hit area of Queens, I would've been worried beyond control. When I spoke with B, he was OK. I told him to meet up with his sister for a ride home since there was no way for me to get to them.

So many trees were down in my neighborhood that cars were driving up our one way street in the wrong direction just to get to a main thoroughfare. It started to get sunnier and so we ventured out to see what was going on. The sky was a greenish-yellow hue. We were supposed to go to a home schooling meeting later that evening but I called to say I wouldn't make it. I didn't know how awful it was outside of my neighborhood but the thought of driving later in the dark with trees on the ground was not something I wanted to do. Later on, I found out there were blackout in some areas and traffic signals around me were not working. So glad we stayed put. Gridlock was really awful.

There was an eerie silence outside, other than the sirens and alarms. People were out assessing the damage. It was surreal! The weird coloring of the air gave such an unreal aura. I never could've imagined so much damage in such a short period of time. It was nothing compared to television reports of the Midwest towns which are leveled by tornadoes. We live in brick houses which stand up better to the winds, I guess. But it was bad.

After driving today, I felt really sad thinking about all the trees which are now going to be cleared away. So many looked as if someone chewed off the top or twisted the branches off. When I came home from picking up A this afternoon because buses weren't stopping (she was too tired to walk home after doing it yesterday and walking most of the way this morning), I felt a bit depressed. The toppled trees will be killed. The snapped trees will be killed. The split trees will be killed.

One woman died on the Grand Central Parkway by Jewel Avenue. I thought of her as I drove by that area. A human life lost in this tornado. Amazingly, only one!

The branches impaled in our garage and in the sidewalks just tells you the force of the tornado. They could've killed pedestrians! Thank God they didn't.

At the end of the day, it wasn't so bad but I will definitely never forget it.

September 11th

Remembering those lost on September 11, 2001. Remembering those so close to losing their lives that day. Remembering those left behind to face the world full of hatred and sadness.

So much has changed. Yet, so much remains the same. There are still wars in parts of the world. There are still arguments over religions. There are still hungry and dying people everywhere. There is still so much unhappiness.

Nine years. It seems like a long time ago for me. Yet it is only a tiny chunk on the time line of mankind. Will it be something that the world remembers a hundred years from now? Will it only be remembered by those in the U.S.? Will it be passed down in families that lost their loved ones?

It was a pivotal time in my life. But will it be significant in the history of the world? I wonder, as I continue to pray for peace on earth for all of us.

Frugal or Stingy?

I've been wondering lately whether I am frugal or stingy? Of course, everyone wants to be in the frugal category.

My sister-in-law recently made fun of me when I told her how I used Peapod delivery for groceries by putting sale items on my order and choosing a delivery date after the sale is over. This allows me to add on the next week's sale items as well. Two weeks of sale items on one delivery seems like a frugal trait. But she thinks I am trying to work the system. But later that day, she told me how she was using her sister's membership to some buyers group which could get her a refrigerator for a lower price including delivery. I pointed out that she also likes to get deals. She then said "Who doesn't like to find a deal and save some money?" WTH??

I don't buy the fruits and vegetables from the "rotting cart" to save on food costs. I don't buy every newspaper on Sunday to collect coupons (but I will use them if I have). I don't make my child go under the turnstile or squeeze in for one fare. I don't buy bottled water (except if I'm dying of thirst and forgot to fill my Kleen Kanteen). I don't drive out of the way just to avoid tolls.

I do look for free parking before choosing to pay for parking. I do resist turning on the air conditioner unless I can't breathe. I do shop at outlets when we are near one. I do use the libraries instead of buying books. I do donate less than the suggested amounts at museums. I do try the free samples at Trader's Joe's if it looks OK. I do save junk mail and use the back for scrap paper.

Before I buy something, I try to ask myself "Do you need it?" and "Is this a good price for it?" I don't always remember to ask one or both questions. If it is something we need and I don't have the time and energy to bargain-hunt, then I buy it.

I don't know if my lifestyle can be considered frugal or stingy or both, but I still would like to think that I'm not stingy.

Frivolous Lawsuits

There are so many jokes about lawyers and a general mistrust of lawyers. All the negativity probably stems from the amount of frivolous lawsuits in this country. Why is it that whenever someone is wronged, others say "Sue them"?

Last August, while driving home with a carload of happy children (mine and my friend Steve's), I was struck by a motorcyclist half a block from my house. Minivan vs. motorcycle. Guess who got hurt (allegedly) and sues? Yup, the motorcyclist, who didn't even have any insurance.

He scared the shit out of me! After jumping out of my vehicle to check on him, I went back to get my cell phone and called 911. I thought I was going to have a heart attack right then and there! I was in shock. The cops did take my information and statement. He was refusing medical treatment but his dad (an auxillary cop who was the first one on the scene but didn't tell me their relationship) told him to get in the ambulance. His father stayed behind and was so nonchalant about the event. Maybe he was already planning to sue? When it was all over and I got home, I called GEICO. They asked me for his information. I never even exchanged information with this guy! That's how shaken up I was.

For days I didn't sleep well because I kept replaying it over in my head to see if I could've done anything different. The cop said that the motorcyclist would've been dead had I not stopped the way I did. I did everything they tell you to do in defensive driving class and this shit still happens.

I was ready to never drive again. I could be as careful as I want to be but there are reckless people out there. Thank God no one got seriously hurt -- of course he claims he did.

After a while, I got served with papers (improper service since I wasn't home to receive it). The dumbass lawyer he hired coundn't even hire a proper process server. Anyway, I was being sued by this moron!

Well, I got good news yesterday -- the case was resolved and not going forward. This nightmare that hung over me for the last year is over. Now, I fear what it will do to my insurance premium. All because of a frivolous lawsuit.

I always hated those scummy lawyers and now I hate them even more. Maybe I am an elitist lawyer who gradated from a top law school and worked at a large firm as a corporate attorney. Or, maybe I am just another person in America who is fed up with all the baseless claims which get settled just to keep litigation costs down.

Time for tort reform!

Gifts

I enjoy giving gifts which are meaningful. Some times I have enough time to make a present. Other times I don't. This past weekend was spent making a mermaid's tail for a 10 year's birthday. I had never done it before. I didn't have a pattern. It was quite a challenge. But I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was so nice to see her expression when she found it hidden in the box which she thought only contained a hoodie!

Those who know me know that my memory is awful. We've been married over 21 years now. Amazingly, I do remember specific wedding presents and who gave them to us but have no idea how much money people gave. I know who got us our furniture (my parents), first television set (big brother), silverware (Grace and Chris), wicker chest (John & Su-u), towels with our names (David), Esprit blanket (Warren), etc.

The same applies for the baby presents we received for my children -- alphabet quilt with removable toys (Chiu), quilted photo album (Ronald), A's big teddy (Nadine), M's big teddy (Oleg), weekly delivery of diapers (Hsin-Yu), group quilt (quilting class at the Y), gold jewelry (Susan), portable playpen (home schoolers), etc. Other than the savings bonds, I don't recall monetary gifts.

I don't know if other people have memory problems like mine but that is the reason I make baby blankets or quilts as gifts and shop off of registries or wish lists rather than give money.

Someone asked my husband why I don't sell my plarn tote bags. I have been giving them away to friends and family. What would I charge? Nothing would seem like enough compensation for the amount of time I put into it. I asked him if we needed the money. If we did, I would sell them. The answer was "No." So, I will continue to give them away as gifts (for no occasion).

Best Friends

The other day when I was driving home I spotted my best friend from junior high. She actually lives a block away from me now but we pretty much lost touch after junior high school. I was explaining this to my children and it sounded weird that I have a former best friend so close by yet we don't talk, other than when we run into each other -- chit chat about small things.

I got to thinking about all my "best friends" from the past. In first grade, my best friend was Sara (or Sarah, I don't even know how her name was spelled or what her last name was). When I moved in the summer after second grade, we lost touch. In P.S. 13, my best friend was Christina D. I would stop at her house, on the way to and from school, and play with her pet rabbit before walking the rest of the way. We lost touch after we went our separate ways to junior high. In Chinese School, there was Susan. But then she moved to Rockland County and we saw each other less frequently. In JHS 73, there was a trio - me, Judy, and Cathy. Cathy moved to NJ before ninth grade but we kept in touch by writing, telephone, and sleepovers. Somehow I lost touch with Judy when we went to high school even though she lived a few blocks from where I lived. In Stuy, there was another trio - me, Susan, and Christine. Then I went to NYU while they went to Cornell (where Cathy went too). I was so sad without them that I applied for transfer to Cornell. I didn't end up going because I couldn't afford it. In NYU, there was Grace, Judy, and later on, Karen and Dixon. At Price Waterhouse, there was Marie. At law school, there was Lorna. At Kelley Drye, there was Grace (again).

I really began to lose my friends when I got married and had children. Single people didn't understand the time commitment need to build a family while going to law school. Then when I started working, I had even less time to see friends and keep in touch.

In a more fluid environment where you don't see the same people every day at the same place, it takes more effort to maintain a friendship. As my free time decreased exponentially, rather than start new deeper friendships, I held on to the ones I already had since I really suck at keeping in touch, calling, writing, etc. I don't even send out Christmas cards any more! But email and Facebook have helped me reconnect with friends and maintain current friendships.

I don't know if I believe in BFFs since I can't seem to keep a best friend for any extended period of time. I've given up on that concept, other than my sister who has always been there for me.

Nowadays, my closest friends are those who understand how hectic my life is and are forgiving for my lack of communication (especially non-FB friends). Give me a good friend I can talk to anytime and trust, and I'll be happy.

Music and Art

I grew up listening to music before I fell asleep and waking up to music on my alarm clock/radio. I played the viola from sixth grade until I graduated from high school. Over two summers, I learned how to play the piano from my cousins. Other than that, I have no musical talent. But I do believe that everyone might have musical ability. Unfortunately, my hubby doesn't agree.

During my recent painting of the living room, I had to move the piano to the center of the living room. Many years ago, I had purchased a Roland electric 88-key upright which has grand piano sound and touch sensitive keys. I spent a few thousand on it (with the intention of trading up to a grand piano when we moved into a bigger house). Well, we never moved so I never traded up. I meant to learn to play the piano but gave up. Nobody is taking lessons on it any more and it is rarely played. So, hubby was angry that I spent the money on it and that it is just taking up space. He also complained about the drum set in the basement and the violin (very grumpy that day). M is still playing his violin but B rarely touches his drum set. We also have other instruments hidden around the house -- recorder, accordion, harmonica, ocarina, and, my newest acquisition, a jaw harp. I just learned how to play it today even though I bought it last month in Colonial Williamsburg.

I guess I would like my children to be able to play something if they feel inclined to. And they do occasionally play on their musical instruments or listen to music. It's the same as having art supplies readily available in case you have the desire to create artwork. That's another thing we disagree about. Maybe the problem is that he's not musically or artistically inclined and/or didn't have any exposure to it at a young age? I can't imagine what my life would be without music or art.

During the year that I took off after working at KDW, I felt such an urge to get back some creativity in my life. That's when I took painting classes, ceramics classes, and quilting classes. I really enjoyed that year. It wasn't an "Eat, Pray, and Love" year. It was a "Create, Create, and Create" year. I guess I had music in my life -- radio in the office playing "elevator music." What I missed was making artwork. I loved all three mediums but quilting was the easiest to do "on the go."

I am taking a break from quilting right now but I am creating things with yarn. I have so much fun making stuff without patterns. It's like improvising on a musical instrument.

So, go and make beautiful music and art!!

Zeppoles

There are times when I crave a certain thing to eat. For the last few months, it's been zeppoles. No.....I am not pregnant! I just want fried dough sprinkled with powdered sugar. We used to get them from the Feast of San Gennaro on Mulberry St.

I tried making my own with Indian Fried Bread Mix which I got from the National Museum of the American Indians. We tried it in Chicago and the taste reminded me of zeppoles. I even put the ones I made into small, brown paper bags and poured the confectioner's sugar into the bags and shook it all up. Pretty close imitation.

Recently, we had some funnel cakes from Busch Gardens and again at Water Country USA. I thought I had satisfied my cravings. But, somehow, I still want the Italian zeppoles from a street fair. I know I still have the craving because while we were watching "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" there was a scene with beignets which got me thinking about zeppoles again -- to me, beignets are basically the same thing but in a square shape and from the South.

How do I get rid of this craving? Is it my body telling me that I need unhealthy greasy stuff and sugar?!

ZEPPOLES

Why aren't they more readily available like donuts or chocolates?

How long before I get to bite into a hot, fried piece of round dough covered with sweet, powdery confectioner's sugar?

Depression

Having a friend in the hospital for mental issues has made me wonder why I'm not in there too. I've been severely depressed at different times in my life. God knows I've been extremely stressed at other times and overly anxious about what will happen.

I had serious depression when Daddy died. I knew the end was coming and there wasn't really much anyone could do for him. He was in a coma but I couldn't sign a DNR because he was always a fighter and didn't want to die in a hospital. I was the one who took him to the hospital (guilty feelings for being the one who took him there the day after Thanksgiving when he was having difficulty breathing while at a surgical clinic -- he never came out of the hospital).

I had given them permission to intubate him in the ER. When he was able to speak again he was so glad to be alive and wanted to have a big birthday party as soon as he got discharged. They extubated him on his birthday while in ICU. That told me that I had made the right choice. But a few days later he choked while in dialysis and was "down" for about 10 minutes before they revived him. Now he was in a coma. The doctors told me he probably wouldn't make it and that he would have severe brain damage. I didn't believe or want to believe. He began to respond to my voice and Anna's. Others said it could've been just involuntary movements. When my brother came from California, Daddy blinked when asked if he was in pain. I had to leave the room to cry because I knew he was still alive and thinking inside. The brain scan was "inconclusive" which meant I couldn't give up. Later that day, I asked him to move specific parts of his body, he struggled but he was doing it. Then I asked him if he wanted to be intubated and he nodded. So I gave the doctors the OK to intubate. But he got a really high fever from an infection and they were never able to intubate him. I left that night and told him if he wanted to go it was OK and that we would all take care of Mommy. That night the hospital called me around 4 am to let me know his condition was worsening and there was nothing more to do but to give him pain medication. I had to give them permission to not save him again. We were all at the hospital with him when he died.
My depression stems from the guilt I feel. I took him to the hospital. I was his health care proxy. As long as I believed he was getting better, he did. Even when everyone else gave up, I didn't. My older brother told me that I had to let Daddy go. When I finally did let go and told him it was OK to die, he did. I live with the guilt of giving up on him. Is that insane? Well, it sent me into depression for months.
Some people noticed the difference in me while many others had no idea how deep my pain went. Everyone else seemed to go on with their lives while I couldn't. I swore I would never make another life-or-death decision for anyone. But, then a year later, our dog was deathly ill. Sure he was really old. So was my father. But I had to ask the vet to put him to sleep. This put me back into the depression I had just gotten over. I just had an integral part in the death of another living thing. I would never make a good soldier. But that's besides the point.
So, that is my excuse for being depressed -- guilt. Whether it's rational or not, I don't know? I haven't reached a point where I don't cry thinking about it. People say that time will heal the pain. I'm still waiting.

Classic Movies

Many people think of black and white movies such as "Casablanca" and "It's A Wonderful Life" when considering classics. I, on the other hand, want my children to know where some popular culture comes from. A lot of scenes which are parodied or referenced are really from "famous" movies.

I watched "Thelma and Louise" yesterday which had the memorable ending. "Say Anything" had the boombox scene. Tonight was "Poltergeist" with the line "They're here." The other day they saw "The Shining" with the lines "Red rum" and "Heeeere's Johnny!"

Some tear-jerkers included "Terms of Endearment" and "Steel Magnolia." My daughter insisted I watch "The Notebook" which was a very sad movie. Her girlfriends consider that movie a "classic." I still get a lump in my throat (maybe tears in my eyes) when I watch "Pay It Forward" and "La Bamba." We watched a newer movie "My Sister's Keeper" which had my tears flowing and might become a classic. All I know is I can't watch it again.

Some times I have to explain things to them in order for it to make sense. Like the fact that "in the old days" the television sets played the national anthem before going to static. Now there are 24 hours channels and lots of them. No one walks around with a boombox anymore -- teeny, tiny iPods with earbuds are everywhere now.

Watching these movies with my children really makes me feel OLD. That's why I can call these "classics."

Friendship -continue

Warning -- feeling bitter and the writing may reflect this.

It's been hard these past few weeks. Whenever my friends are going through hardships, I try my best to be there to support them. Not only with my time, but with whatever they may need. I have even helped with childcare which isn't my strongest point. I realized that I am no longer able to deal with young ones and their neediness. So, I am trying to be there emotionally and as a sounding board.

Having a friend being investigated for child neglect when it's so unfounded is alarming. The person who reported it is anonymous for the time being. This has been very upsetting for the family and for all who know them well. The caller obviously doesn't know this family very well, is just pure evil, or both! When the charges are dropped, this family will still have to deal with the trauma caused by these allegations. As a friend, I can't make it go away. I really wish I could but it just has to work its way through the system.

Please God, let it be done with as fast as possible so that their lives can get back to normal, as much as possible. I also live in fear of who could have made the call and what it would do to my life.

Having another friend in the hospital unable to see her children is pretty bad too. I am trying to visit her as often as possible so that she doesn't feel like she's been forgotten. I remember being in the hospital after A was born and how lonely I felt when no one came until the next day to visit us.

I pray she comes out soon, feeling better, with renewed hope.

My hubby's friend from the past has re-emerged and I am weary. He betrayed his wife many years ago and wants to go out to dinner together. Give me a break! Why would I want to associate with a scumbug like that? He broke her heart and stomped on it and is pretending that nothing's wrong. He doesn't even know we had a third child. What kind of friend is that? He wants something. Alert! Alert! Avoid at all cost!

Bad friends are like cancer, must cut away before they destroy you.

Good friends are like vitamins, they help you stay healthy.

Wishing for wisdom to be able to know who my true friends are. Who will be there for me when I am in need?

Friendship

I realize that there are different levels of friendship: people we talk to when we see each other, people we communicate with electronically, people we call, and people we go out of our way to see. Some friends we talk to daily, while others we seldom speak to. It's not the amount of time or the frequency which determines the level of friendship, or is it?

I never really had a best friend. I usually had two best friends, part of a trio. This was true in junior high with Cathy and Judy. Then in high school there were Susan and Christine (and Dora was the tag-along). Maybe I never wanted to put all my eggs in one basket.

During different phases of my life I have had close friends who died rather suddenly. The pain of loss was so bad I altered how I lived. I realized that life was not to be taken for granted and friends shouldn't be taken for granted either.

I married one of my best friends and worry about losing him. If only he'd quit smoking, I'd be less worried. Then again, he wants me to exercise more so that he doesn't have to worry about my health.

I hope that I am a friend who people want to share their joys and sorrows. I want be there to cheer you and hug you for all the great moments in your life. But know that I am here for those times when you need me to hug you to take away the pain. I will laugh with you and cry with you. But most of all, I want to share memories with those dearest to me so that when I'm no longer here physically, a part of me will still be floating around in the memories of my friends.

Marriage

As I mark my twenty-first year of being married, the news is filled with the separation of Al and Tipper Gore after 40 years of marriage. You never know. What's to prevent the two of us from growing apart? Is it bad for my husband to have his kung-fu friends while I have my quilting and home schooling pals? I always thought it was better to have some things which are important to us but not require the other to be a part of it if he or she didn't have an interest. He likes to exercise while I loathe it. I like to make things while he likes to break things. Isn't the saying "opposites attract"? We do share the love of traveling, philanthropy, eating well, and how to raise our children (most of the time). I hope I picked the right guy who will be there for me "'til death do us part."

UN and UNICEF

I finally realize why I hate history -- so much of it revolves around wars and killings. Those of you who know me well, know that I don't believe in wars for any reasons. Wasn't that the original purpose of the United Nations? I love the gun sculpture for what it represent but it isn't enough. Now we have other horrible weapons: bombs, land mines, missile. There's an exhibit in the UN about land mines which cost very little to make but cause so much pain and suffering -- even after a war is over.

I was very upset when the U.S. decided to defy the UN and go to war with Iraq based on unsubstantiated "weapons of mass destruction" claims. If the U.S. can choose when to follow the UN rules, then so can all the other countries in the world. The whole system means nothing then.

During college and law school, I used to work in the basement of the UN volunteering with UNICEF. I even went a few weekends when I was a lawyer. It felt good to be there. I felt like I was contributing to making the world a better place. Did I really make a difference? Probably very little in the scheme of things. There were Christmas seasons spent sitting in bank lobbies selling UNICEF cards and gifts in order to raise money for children in need around the world. I'd like to think that some village got a water pump and some children were saved from polio because of my efforts.

UNICEF is one of the most important charities to me. Don't buy flowers for me when I die, just donate the money to UNICEF. The children of the world are innocently suffering and could use all the help they can get. Better yet, donate before I die. http://www.unicef.org/

Religion

There is controversy brewing over a proposed mosque being build near Ground Zero.

I recently had some conversations about religion and the customs. Some things which came up were "why is it OK to have yamulkes with baseball team logos?" and "do you have to wash tsitsits in lingerie bags?" New questions included: "Is it OK to have a logo on a Bible or Koran?" "Why do people carry holy water in their purses?" "If God created Adam and Eve and we are all descendants from them, aren't we all related then?"

I have gone from being an atheist to an agnostic. I really think there is some other higher spirit but not sure what it is. I still don't understand all the distinctions between the Christians -- Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, etc. And, I don't really care. If there was one interpretation of the Bible, then I might believe in it. I don't even really know the difference between the various religions and never really had a deep desire to figure it all out. It amazes me whenever there are people who can quote passages from the Bible -- not just the words but where in the Bible it came from. I have no desire to know anything that thoroughly. Call me shallow if you must.

Don't take this the wrong way...I respect all religions but have no desire to be a part of any one group. It seems that those in a religion always feel that their religion is the right one. This has been the root of way too many conflicts in history and modern times. So, don't hate me if I'm not part of your religion and ask silly questions.

Liars

Rule #1: Don't lie to me. If you lie to me, it means that you think you won't be caught and/or that I am too stupid to figure it out. I have worked so hard to teach my children that lying is bad, VERY bad. Once you've lied to someone and been discovered, damage has been done. Trust is lost. Your words will no longer mean as much. I have never made a promise I didn't intend to keep. If I know something may cause me not to be able to do something, I let the person know up front. Is that too much to ask for in return? When you've done something bad, own up to it. Don't lie, especially to me or my loved ones.

So, if you are a liar, reconsider being my friend. At some point you will be discovered and I will no longer trust you or believe you. I may forgive you but I will never fully embrace anything you say.

Time

Have you noticed how time seems to pass quicker as you get older? It used to be that "time flies when you're having fun." Now, it flies even when I'm not having fun. I thought life would be like a wind-up toy -- getting slower and slower. But NOOO....Each day I realize that I didn't do something I was supposed to do. Each week passes and I can't even remember what my time was spent doing. As I sleep less, you'd think I'd get more done, right?! Alas, I manage to waste what extra time I have. In a blink of the eye, my children have grown to be independent thinkers who are becoming pretty self-sufficient. I've spent countless hours nagging and coaxing them to do this or do that, and it's beginning to pay off. But only time will tell if I've had a good enough influence.

Facebook

When I first joined Facebook, it was to see photos of my nephew. I stayed for a few days and quit, thinking it was a big waste of time. A few weeks later I joined again, for whatever reason (I can't recall now). Since then I have a really fun group of friends who post and interact with me. Those who are lurking get weeded out every few weeks. I don't spend time on the various virtual games because I already spend way too much time on Webkinz (yeah, I share an account with M). Using Facebook helps us have a running conversation without having to all be in the same place at the same time (so hard to meet up nowadays with everyone's busy schedule). I log in each day at various times to see what's going on. In the morning, mid-day, and before I go to bed. Perhaps it's become an addiction. Some people are planning to quit on May 31st in protest to various privacy issues. I don't think I will though. I would feel like my friends are hanging out without me!

Glass Ceiling

This week's TIME magazine cover story is about the three women trying to clean up the Wall Street/Banking mess (which I think was created mainly by greedy, power-hungry men). One of the women was told by a partner of a New York firm to ask herself if she thinks she would ever be made a partner. When I had asked myself the same question about 15 years ago, my answer was "slim chance" -- being a female and Asian and a mother of two. But the real reason I left was because I realized I didn't want to be a partner in a big law firm. The partners I worked with may have made the big bucks but they were there late into the night when deals were nearing closing. Sure, the male partners were able to go see their children play sports or attend other family events more readily than an associate. I guess my problem was that there were no female partners with children to be my mentor. Heck, there weren't even any female associates with kids to talk to. I got my summer associate job when I was pregnant but didn't show until a few weeks into the job. Luckily I was already in the door and impressed them enough to get a job offer. It was a risk to have my first child while in law school. It was a great challenge to raise him while finishing law school and then when I started working. Let me just say that breaking the glass ceiling when you have children is way harder than breaking through when you're single or just married. Being Asian was another obstacle. There were times when I wished I were a white male so that I could get ahead but, in the end, I believe that all things are the way they are for a reason. I am happier now than when I was working with those white men and ever grateful that I didn't become one of them. I thought I was over the sexism and discrimination feelings. But....

Now I get to experience a different glass ceiling -- in the world of acting. Michael's dreams of being an actor are limited by his being Chinese. This seems to be one of the few fields where blatant discrimination based on ethnicity is acceptable. We knew this going in and have persevered. We know that the order of preference is Whites, Blacks, Latinos, and, last (yes last) are Asians. I guess the same holds true for sports such as baseball and basketball.

Maybe that's why we should move to China, where we won't be a minority. But, we will still be looked down upon because we aren't native Chinese and speak with funny accents.

Ah...what to do??

Sunshine & Vitamin D

I always knew sunshine made a difference in my mood. Now I know it also makes a difference in my health. I guess I always knew it gave us vitamin D but never thought I'd be lacking in that. Bad news came yesterday from the doc about my vitamin D level, as well as other stuff. When I researched a little, it turns out that all this time when I protected myself from the sun because of skin cancer fears, I wasn't getting vitamin D. Sure it is added to milk, cereals and breads but I don't eat those. It can be found in egg yolks which I'm not supposed to eat because of cholesterol problems. When I tried to go vegetarian, I wasn't even getting any from the fish I eat, from their oils. Since I don't pop pills (I include vitamins in the pill form as pills), I am in trouble!

Did you know that vitamin D deficiency can cause weak bones, muscle pains, depression, and fatigue? Yeah.

So, today I decided to forget my dietary restrictions for an hour and went out to breakfast after physical therapy and had two EGGS, WHITE bread with BUTTER, BACON, and POTATOES, with a cup of REGULAR COFFEE. I was good -- no sugar in my coffee! I will seek out the sun for 20 minutes this afternoon. So, no need to pop a vitamin D pill!!! Well, I'm already feeling happier :)

Peace

Why can't we all live in peace? Why do people have to die in wars and acts of violence?

Some fight for religious reasons. Others fight for political reasons. Sometimes it's over land. What if everyone agreed to stop fighting? I don't just mean countries. I mean people everywhere. At home. In school. At work.

UFOs

"UFO" usually means "unidentified flying objects." But in a quilter's mind, it stands for "unfinished object."

I have a tendency to begin something and not complete it before moving on to another project. As I get older, I've begun to think that I may have attention deficit disorder. Unless I have to finish something for a deadline -- wedding, birthday or show -- I can't seem to focus. Even when I am working with a deadline, it doesn't always happen. Here are two miniature quilts I started for the 2008 Empire Quilters show. I decided to go small so that I could make the blocks and quilt them in time for the show. I managed to get these photos taken in time for the submission deadline but never got them completed in time to hang in the show. There were so many other things to deal with that I put them aside in order to help get the show organized.

Since then, I've withdrawn a bit from the guild. I realized that I have trouble saying "no" when asked to help out. A few months ago I resigned from being a Core Group member of my CSA. Once in a while I need to put me first and do what I love, making things and being artistic. Besides these two UFOs, my Dear Jane quilt has been waiting for attention. I don't even know how many UFOs I have. When I thought I was going to die from breast cancer, sad to say, I started to think about all the unfinished quilts I had started and all those I had planned to start. When Mother's Day came and I had no present for Mommy, I decided to make her a heart applique quilt. I made the 12 blocks by Sunday but couldn't get it all together for even a top because she had me making a plarn tote bag for her (yet another UFO when the plarn ran out). Well, today I finished her plarn tote to her specifications and have one less UFO to worry about!

Goals

We all set goals for ourselves. Some are short-range while others are long-range. I have a calendar which helps me figure out what's going on for the month --I'm very visual. Each Sunday (or Monday if I didn't get to it), I write out my week's schedule. No major goals other than remembering to get to places on time and buying whatever we're low on at home.

My long-range goals are on my "bucket list" which is written in my gratitude journal. Some things have been achieved and are crossed off while other still wait patiently for me to get to them. Some goals are travel-related: visit all 50 states, Australia, Rome, Greece, and Egypt. Some are physical: run a mile and swim a lap. Others are mental: invent something useful and solve Rubik's Cube. I also want to get my children's book published one of these days and try skydiving.

None of my goals are specifically money-oriented but I do need money in order to travel. Maybe I should get moving on inventing something and getting my books published.

But, in general, my daily goal is do something nice for someone. My life goal is to leave this world a little better than when I came in.

Growing Up

I have worked hard to raise my children to become independent individuals who will contribute to society. But now I wish they would stay small and need me and think I am the most beautiful and smart person they know.

Some day they will move away (hopefully on good terms). It will be with joy and sorrow that I say good bye. I will miss them very much and probably call often to check on them.

What I really want though is for them not to forget about me.

Photo: My footprint next to M's on Hapuna Beach, Hawaii during summer of 2009

Patience

I acquired this special work of art from a Thunderbirds Indian auction a few years ago. It is a wooden bear that is covered with tiny seed beads set in beeswax. I was drawn to it by the colors and design. When I was told how it was made, I knew I had to have it.

Someone sat and made this, bead by bead. Patience. That is all I could think to myself. An artist for sure but a patient artist.

At times I can be just as patient and work on a time-consuming project but sometimes I just want to be finished with what I am making.

So, are you a patient person?

Family Heirloom

These are the baby shoes each of my children wore. I remember buying them from Stride Rite in the Queens Center Mall for my first child. Back then I spent what money I made on him. Nice, expensive leather shoes. Nothing was too good for him.

When my second one was ready to walk, she got these hand-me-downs which were still in pretty good condition. But when she outgrew them, I passed them along to a close friend. Part of my constant de-cluttering project since I didn't plan on having any more children.

When my third child came along and was ready to walk, my dear friend gave me back the shoes. I had forgotten about them but was overjoyed to be able to have a family heirloom back.

Since I was too cheap to buy a new pair for each baby, the three of them will have to figure out who gets to keep them when I am gone. For now, they are proudly displayed in my wall unit.

Love

I often wonder what life would be like without love -- giving love and receiving love. I know I couldn't live without love. Unfortunately, some people on this earth are not getting much needed love.

The news reported about a Russian orphan being returned to Russia by his American "mother" because she couldn't handle him. His disorders were probably from being in an orphanage where he didn't feel loved. Sending him back was like a double-whammy, in my opinion. How will he ever understand what love is?

All the terrorism based on religious beliefs is so wrong. Discrimination based on skin color is so wrong. Treating women worse than men is so wrong. If we could all love each other, regardless of religion, race, ethnicity, whatever, then the chance there will be peace on earth increases.

I know.... it'll never happen. But wouldn't it be nicer to live in a world with people who feel loved?

Pets

It's almost a year since Paul died. He was our pet Shitzu-Poodle dog for six years. We adopted him when he was already 12 years old. At that time I was praying that he would live at least a year. Otherwise, I would blame myself for not taking care of him. He outlasted anyone's predictions. The last two years of his life were difficult with the onset of medical conditions. In the end, I truly believe that he waited for Brian to get home from a one month stay in China. The day after Brian got home, Paul got so sick we had to take him to the vet to be put down. It was awful.

My friends would ask if I was getting another dog. I told them that I couldn't bear another loss like that. Perhaps it hurt so much because it brought back memories of my father's illness and having to give the DNR order just a year earlier. I swore I would never make that decision for another life, yet I had to again.

We do still have our turtle as a pet. He (or she) has been with us over 20 years -- longer than the children.

When I was growing up, we had fish most of the time. But, I also had hamsters and a chinchilla named Chubby. After I got married, Chubby was our pet and then I bought hubby the turtle for our first Christmas. Since then, we have also been caretakers of fish, hermit crabs, tadpoles/frogs, caterpillars/butterflies, snails, and a guinea pig.

Preparing for field trip

I went on a two mile walk around Jamaica Bay Wildlife Refuge to prepare for a walk I'm leading. I couldn't find my camera (until after I got home), so I was able to enjoy the walk listening to the sounds and viewing the birds with my binoculars. Luckily my sister and Joe were there to help me identify the birds.


Today, I woke up way too early but got some stuff prepared for the field trip. I made a dozen different photo tic-tac-toe games using photos of birds and plants I spotted yesterday at the refuge. It took way longer than I had planned. Sure hope the kids enjoy using them as a scavenger hunt.

I am tired of seeing Canada Goose everywhere but seeing a pair of geese with their goslings, fuzzy yellow and brown, waddling on the path, was priceless! We also saw a pair of Mute Swans with their cygnets. I really hope they are still around when the kids go on the walk.

These were my favorite birds from yesterday (not counting the babies).

Creating and Giving

Why do I love to create things? I find it relaxing. It is challenging when I am trying something new. But, I think the main reason I create things is to give them away -- to spread happiness.

Once I am done making something, I like to give it away to a person who might appreciate it. What's the sense of giving away a creation which took time and energy (and money) to make? I don't expect anything in return, no quid pro quo. Just say "Thank you" and enjoy what I've given you. The things I donate may end up in the hands of someone who doesn't know the amount of care that went into its creation. So be it.

Most of my friends have received something I made with my hands -- quilt, drawing, sock monkey, pillow, scarf, stuffed monster, pysanka, blanket, etc. Many times, it is based on being at the right place, at the right time -- just when I am done making it. I also make stuff specifically for someone.

If you haven't received a handmade item from me yet, do you think you deserve one?

Lizards

A day at the museum looking at different types of lizards and learning interesting facts along the way. Here are two of my favorite ones. I still don't want to see one in my home though.

Snakes freak me out a bit. That's why I don't have any photos here. Behind glass is fine.

Subways & Buses

Pros and cons of using the NYC MTA.
Pros:
Go as far as you want with a free transfer between bus and subway for one fare.
Runs all day and night.
MTA Trip Planner gives door-to-door timetable and route planning.
See and hear all kinds of musicians performing.
Don't have to look for parking when you reach your destination.
Relatively clean.

Cons:
Extremely hot in the stations during the hot and humid summer days.
No idea what is being said on the loudspeakers.
No idea when the train will come while waiting on the platform.
No idea when the train will move when stuck in a tunnel.
Panhandlers, weirdos, and smelly homeless people.
Rush hour crowding.
No cellphone/internet reception.
Seeing rodents running around on the tracks and, worse, up the stairs.
Not truly handicap-friendly.
Long waits for two or three buses coming all together.

Now off to use the bus (if we catch one) and subways today.

What's For Dinner?

Almost every day I get the same question "What's for dinner?" The children know they had better not ask me before 5 pm because that's when I usually start thinking about it.

Those who know me know how much I disdain cooking. In order to make a meal, I have to first know what I'm making. Then I have to get all the ingredients from the stores or find it in the kitchen. I must prep the stuff before cooking (wish we could go raw) -- washing, peeling, chopping, etc. After all the cooking is done, the worse part -- cleaning up -- pots and pans, spatulas, knife, cutting board, counter, stove, and sink! No, the worse part is when no one wants to even try what I spent my precious time making.

I like it when they eat up everything because it means they enjoyed it. But I also resent the fact that what took me hours to put together is gone in half an hour.

It's true -- I am hard to please.

Unless you are treating me to dinner, don't ask me "What's for dinner?"

Meditation

While thinking about today's topic, I realized that thinking is what keeps me from achieving an inner peace.

Meditation can be achieved when one focuses on doing nothing or doing something "mindless." The monk making a mandala with grains of colored sand has to focus on that, and only that. This monk was at the Rubin Museum last year. As we stood watching him make his mandala on a stage in a quiet auditorium, I was in awe. We tried making a sand mandala and it really was more difficult than he made it look. Keep in mind that the mandala will be destroyed by a breeze or when he has to get off the stage. It is the journey, not the final product.

I make my lists of things to do. This helps me let go of some stuff. Nowadays, it is hard for me to sit still and clear my mind without falling asleep.

The best way for me to lose myself is when I am making or doing something which requires my full concentration. Difficult kakuro puzzles require lots of puzzle solving skills which help me not think about what else needs to be done. Quilting by hand or drawing one of my doodles also helps my mind drift off to a peaceful place.

What do you do to achieve a sense of inner peace?

Life Changing Moments

Every one of us has "life changing moments." Some are good. Some are bad. Either way, our life is different from that moment on.

For me, September 11, 2001, is my "day that will live in infamy." Before that day, I had other moments which were pivotal: being accepted to NYU School of Law, getting married, the birth of each of my children, the deaths of close friends, buying our home, quitting my jobs, etc.

But that morning was so "normal" until the television lost reception and my friend on the phone told me something was on the news. I managed to get CBS on the television and watched as smoke came out of one of the Twin Towers. We were discussing how could such an awful accident happen, when the second plane hit. That was when my heart sank and I knew something was VERY wrong.

I knew my hubby was safe since he had just left the house a little while before. As the news reported about this, I worried about the people at the office. I wasn't sure whether they should leave the office or stay put. Since I couldn't reach D, I told them to wait until I could speak to him. Meanwhile, the Pentagon was attacked. When the first tower collapsed, I started to cry.

When he finally got home, I went to get B and A from school. I had already planned on having lunch with them since the lunchroom was being used for a primary election. The school asked me not to say anything to anyone until we were out of the building. My children weren't surprised to see me other than the fact that it wasn't lunch time yet. I tried to explain what was happening but couldn't really.

Many friends and family called that day to make sure D was safe. Thank God he was and I had everyone home with me.

I wasn't able to sleep for days. This was also the time when I discovered the "Dear Jane" world of quilting. I quilted while I watched endless hours of search and rescue turn to recovery. I felt so much sadness and fear. Then I heard Alan Jackson's song and it really touched me. I was one of those who burned a candle when they asked us to. I had my American flag proudly displayed outside our house.

Sure, I knew life wasn't forever and that I should live each day to the fullest. But, that day really shook me to my core. I kept thinking of the people who died and never finished all the things on their "bucket list."

I was amazed that with all the people I've met during my lifetime in New York, no one close to me perished. How amazing is that?

It's almost nine years now and I still haven't finished my Dear Jane quilt (photo was from September 2005). I am very close to getting done on the border pieces. Maybe this will be the year.

What's your life changing moment? What's on your bucket list?

Healthy or Not

Why is it that some people can be healthy while others are prone to medical issues? Unfortunately, I fall in the second group.

The past few months have been difficult due to my left shoulder injury. Pain and lack of mobility. Most of all, lack of sleep. I never did sleep very much. But, having only two or three hours in a row before I had to get ice to numb the pain was just not enough. I am now getting about five hours before the pain is too much. My motto has always been "Quality over quantity" but I haven't been getting either.

Then the last two weeks were plagued by a breast cancer scare. I was on an emotional roller-coaster, not knowing whether to worry or not about a "cyst with debris." Finally got the "don't worry" last Tuesday from the breast surgeon, so I will deal with it all again in six months. That's also when I get to see my primary care again, get my thyroid ultrasound again, see my ob-gyn again, and hopefully, be done with physical therapy and shoulder pain. Last week also brought back fears of needing a colonoscopy, again.

I had a checkup yesterday. Hopefully, I won't hear bad news after the tests come back. My doctor has already forbidden me to eat anything that tastes good. I can obey doctor's order or enjoy life. What a dilemma!