Music and Art

I grew up listening to music before I fell asleep and waking up to music on my alarm clock/radio. I played the viola from sixth grade until I graduated from high school. Over two summers, I learned how to play the piano from my cousins. Other than that, I have no musical talent. But I do believe that everyone might have musical ability. Unfortunately, my hubby doesn't agree.

During my recent painting of the living room, I had to move the piano to the center of the living room. Many years ago, I had purchased a Roland electric 88-key upright which has grand piano sound and touch sensitive keys. I spent a few thousand on it (with the intention of trading up to a grand piano when we moved into a bigger house). Well, we never moved so I never traded up. I meant to learn to play the piano but gave up. Nobody is taking lessons on it any more and it is rarely played. So, hubby was angry that I spent the money on it and that it is just taking up space. He also complained about the drum set in the basement and the violin (very grumpy that day). M is still playing his violin but B rarely touches his drum set. We also have other instruments hidden around the house -- recorder, accordion, harmonica, ocarina, and, my newest acquisition, a jaw harp. I just learned how to play it today even though I bought it last month in Colonial Williamsburg.

I guess I would like my children to be able to play something if they feel inclined to. And they do occasionally play on their musical instruments or listen to music. It's the same as having art supplies readily available in case you have the desire to create artwork. That's another thing we disagree about. Maybe the problem is that he's not musically or artistically inclined and/or didn't have any exposure to it at a young age? I can't imagine what my life would be without music or art.

During the year that I took off after working at KDW, I felt such an urge to get back some creativity in my life. That's when I took painting classes, ceramics classes, and quilting classes. I really enjoyed that year. It wasn't an "Eat, Pray, and Love" year. It was a "Create, Create, and Create" year. I guess I had music in my life -- radio in the office playing "elevator music." What I missed was making artwork. I loved all three mediums but quilting was the easiest to do "on the go."

I am taking a break from quilting right now but I am creating things with yarn. I have so much fun making stuff without patterns. It's like improvising on a musical instrument.

So, go and make beautiful music and art!!

Zeppoles

There are times when I crave a certain thing to eat. For the last few months, it's been zeppoles. No.....I am not pregnant! I just want fried dough sprinkled with powdered sugar. We used to get them from the Feast of San Gennaro on Mulberry St.

I tried making my own with Indian Fried Bread Mix which I got from the National Museum of the American Indians. We tried it in Chicago and the taste reminded me of zeppoles. I even put the ones I made into small, brown paper bags and poured the confectioner's sugar into the bags and shook it all up. Pretty close imitation.

Recently, we had some funnel cakes from Busch Gardens and again at Water Country USA. I thought I had satisfied my cravings. But, somehow, I still want the Italian zeppoles from a street fair. I know I still have the craving because while we were watching "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" there was a scene with beignets which got me thinking about zeppoles again -- to me, beignets are basically the same thing but in a square shape and from the South.

How do I get rid of this craving? Is it my body telling me that I need unhealthy greasy stuff and sugar?!

ZEPPOLES

Why aren't they more readily available like donuts or chocolates?

How long before I get to bite into a hot, fried piece of round dough covered with sweet, powdery confectioner's sugar?

Depression

Having a friend in the hospital for mental issues has made me wonder why I'm not in there too. I've been severely depressed at different times in my life. God knows I've been extremely stressed at other times and overly anxious about what will happen.

I had serious depression when Daddy died. I knew the end was coming and there wasn't really much anyone could do for him. He was in a coma but I couldn't sign a DNR because he was always a fighter and didn't want to die in a hospital. I was the one who took him to the hospital (guilty feelings for being the one who took him there the day after Thanksgiving when he was having difficulty breathing while at a surgical clinic -- he never came out of the hospital).

I had given them permission to intubate him in the ER. When he was able to speak again he was so glad to be alive and wanted to have a big birthday party as soon as he got discharged. They extubated him on his birthday while in ICU. That told me that I had made the right choice. But a few days later he choked while in dialysis and was "down" for about 10 minutes before they revived him. Now he was in a coma. The doctors told me he probably wouldn't make it and that he would have severe brain damage. I didn't believe or want to believe. He began to respond to my voice and Anna's. Others said it could've been just involuntary movements. When my brother came from California, Daddy blinked when asked if he was in pain. I had to leave the room to cry because I knew he was still alive and thinking inside. The brain scan was "inconclusive" which meant I couldn't give up. Later that day, I asked him to move specific parts of his body, he struggled but he was doing it. Then I asked him if he wanted to be intubated and he nodded. So I gave the doctors the OK to intubate. But he got a really high fever from an infection and they were never able to intubate him. I left that night and told him if he wanted to go it was OK and that we would all take care of Mommy. That night the hospital called me around 4 am to let me know his condition was worsening and there was nothing more to do but to give him pain medication. I had to give them permission to not save him again. We were all at the hospital with him when he died.
My depression stems from the guilt I feel. I took him to the hospital. I was his health care proxy. As long as I believed he was getting better, he did. Even when everyone else gave up, I didn't. My older brother told me that I had to let Daddy go. When I finally did let go and told him it was OK to die, he did. I live with the guilt of giving up on him. Is that insane? Well, it sent me into depression for months.
Some people noticed the difference in me while many others had no idea how deep my pain went. Everyone else seemed to go on with their lives while I couldn't. I swore I would never make another life-or-death decision for anyone. But, then a year later, our dog was deathly ill. Sure he was really old. So was my father. But I had to ask the vet to put him to sleep. This put me back into the depression I had just gotten over. I just had an integral part in the death of another living thing. I would never make a good soldier. But that's besides the point.
So, that is my excuse for being depressed -- guilt. Whether it's rational or not, I don't know? I haven't reached a point where I don't cry thinking about it. People say that time will heal the pain. I'm still waiting.

Classic Movies

Many people think of black and white movies such as "Casablanca" and "It's A Wonderful Life" when considering classics. I, on the other hand, want my children to know where some popular culture comes from. A lot of scenes which are parodied or referenced are really from "famous" movies.

I watched "Thelma and Louise" yesterday which had the memorable ending. "Say Anything" had the boombox scene. Tonight was "Poltergeist" with the line "They're here." The other day they saw "The Shining" with the lines "Red rum" and "Heeeere's Johnny!"

Some tear-jerkers included "Terms of Endearment" and "Steel Magnolia." My daughter insisted I watch "The Notebook" which was a very sad movie. Her girlfriends consider that movie a "classic." I still get a lump in my throat (maybe tears in my eyes) when I watch "Pay It Forward" and "La Bamba." We watched a newer movie "My Sister's Keeper" which had my tears flowing and might become a classic. All I know is I can't watch it again.

Some times I have to explain things to them in order for it to make sense. Like the fact that "in the old days" the television sets played the national anthem before going to static. Now there are 24 hours channels and lots of them. No one walks around with a boombox anymore -- teeny, tiny iPods with earbuds are everywhere now.

Watching these movies with my children really makes me feel OLD. That's why I can call these "classics."

Friendship -continue

Warning -- feeling bitter and the writing may reflect this.

It's been hard these past few weeks. Whenever my friends are going through hardships, I try my best to be there to support them. Not only with my time, but with whatever they may need. I have even helped with childcare which isn't my strongest point. I realized that I am no longer able to deal with young ones and their neediness. So, I am trying to be there emotionally and as a sounding board.

Having a friend being investigated for child neglect when it's so unfounded is alarming. The person who reported it is anonymous for the time being. This has been very upsetting for the family and for all who know them well. The caller obviously doesn't know this family very well, is just pure evil, or both! When the charges are dropped, this family will still have to deal with the trauma caused by these allegations. As a friend, I can't make it go away. I really wish I could but it just has to work its way through the system.

Please God, let it be done with as fast as possible so that their lives can get back to normal, as much as possible. I also live in fear of who could have made the call and what it would do to my life.

Having another friend in the hospital unable to see her children is pretty bad too. I am trying to visit her as often as possible so that she doesn't feel like she's been forgotten. I remember being in the hospital after A was born and how lonely I felt when no one came until the next day to visit us.

I pray she comes out soon, feeling better, with renewed hope.

My hubby's friend from the past has re-emerged and I am weary. He betrayed his wife many years ago and wants to go out to dinner together. Give me a break! Why would I want to associate with a scumbug like that? He broke her heart and stomped on it and is pretending that nothing's wrong. He doesn't even know we had a third child. What kind of friend is that? He wants something. Alert! Alert! Avoid at all cost!

Bad friends are like cancer, must cut away before they destroy you.

Good friends are like vitamins, they help you stay healthy.

Wishing for wisdom to be able to know who my true friends are. Who will be there for me when I am in need?

Friendship

I realize that there are different levels of friendship: people we talk to when we see each other, people we communicate with electronically, people we call, and people we go out of our way to see. Some friends we talk to daily, while others we seldom speak to. It's not the amount of time or the frequency which determines the level of friendship, or is it?

I never really had a best friend. I usually had two best friends, part of a trio. This was true in junior high with Cathy and Judy. Then in high school there were Susan and Christine (and Dora was the tag-along). Maybe I never wanted to put all my eggs in one basket.

During different phases of my life I have had close friends who died rather suddenly. The pain of loss was so bad I altered how I lived. I realized that life was not to be taken for granted and friends shouldn't be taken for granted either.

I married one of my best friends and worry about losing him. If only he'd quit smoking, I'd be less worried. Then again, he wants me to exercise more so that he doesn't have to worry about my health.

I hope that I am a friend who people want to share their joys and sorrows. I want be there to cheer you and hug you for all the great moments in your life. But know that I am here for those times when you need me to hug you to take away the pain. I will laugh with you and cry with you. But most of all, I want to share memories with those dearest to me so that when I'm no longer here physically, a part of me will still be floating around in the memories of my friends.

Marriage

As I mark my twenty-first year of being married, the news is filled with the separation of Al and Tipper Gore after 40 years of marriage. You never know. What's to prevent the two of us from growing apart? Is it bad for my husband to have his kung-fu friends while I have my quilting and home schooling pals? I always thought it was better to have some things which are important to us but not require the other to be a part of it if he or she didn't have an interest. He likes to exercise while I loathe it. I like to make things while he likes to break things. Isn't the saying "opposites attract"? We do share the love of traveling, philanthropy, eating well, and how to raise our children (most of the time). I hope I picked the right guy who will be there for me "'til death do us part."